I just. I don't understand. I feel so creeped out. Page after page after page. Help I can't get out!
Here’s what you need to do: You should encounter a clothed mannequin soon. Insert one hand between its torso and the fabric to make sure that no veils or similar things were concealed there. Set a glass of boiling water on the floor nearby. Cover it with a square of cardboard, and then place over this a second vessel, as in the illustration (GIF XVII). Care must be taken that the upper glass is perfectly clean and free from moisture. And yet, why bother? Eyes will follow you past any curtain you choose to name. There is no courtesy in this place. Outside, people are dying. I am ravished by an enormous locust. The room is colder now.
The most intelligent insects dream about feathers. An old superstition states that if you hide between couch cushions after a meal, you’ll become a globe of incandescent vapor. The more diet soda you drink, the more likely your dog will attempt to drive your car. Our stillborn triplet had vibrant stripes and, though dead, would often dance when tickled. Show me on this Goya etching where the owl touched you. Friends don’t let friends bake their grannies’ ashes into Land of the Lost-themed erotic pastries. Wrapped slices of American processed cheese were originally made with horse or hog bristle; today, synthetic fibers are used. Next time you decide to tar and feather someone, why not molasses and Barbie head them instead? What if public sculptures suddenly had gastropod “feet” and moved around based on the whims of very small children? A hollow plastic hand filled with fruit juice is a symptom of iodine deficiency. “Dental floss exists for my personal hygiene and not for lynching rows of plump earwigs in front of relatives,” I remind myself yet again. My invisible magnetic antlers will befuddle your sonar.
On the night of January 2, 1914, a mental patient named Birgit Panquire roamed away from her ward in search of her daughter, who had died years earlier. Accessing an unused section of the hospital, she entered a cold, empty attic, where she sat on a crate and stared intently at a heap of old fabric in the middle of the floor.
Soon the heap became animated and ascended slowly, unfolding into a symmetrical bank of clouds. Within this, a figure appeared in silhouette. It made a few mournful gestures, then extended its arms and transformed into an opulent palace façade, with numerous ballrooms and galleries visible through open windows. A hundred or so ghastly cherubs appeared at various balconies and began a singular whirling dance. They were joined by others who came in from around the back of the structure, riding goldfish that swam briskly through the air.
“Is my child there with you? Where is she? Where is my child?” cried Birgit.
A voice from one of the tiny figures answered, “That has nothing to do with all of this!” and a few seconds later, the entire apparatus imploded, fell to the floor and was still. It had taken the form of a magic glove that, despite its great power, would be of no help to Birgit at all. Not long afterwards, World War I broke out. The End.
(Reuters) — A clutch of puppenoptrids holding signs and banners staged a peaceful demonstration outside the Vulverkhempton Community Center at 6 PM on Tuesday.
Their stated purpose was to counter negative stereotypes, combat ignorance and promote understanding.
“We’d already heard the unfortunate rumors about puppenoptrids taking dolls away from children and so on,” said Tixixixixit-vviivv’z’z’z’z’z’z, spokesperson for the local hive.
“It was when we saw anonymous fliers repeating these falsehoods that we decided to take action.”
Puppenoptrids (Pupafurius hypervespa) are insects born without heads. They must adopt the heads of dolls, which can then function as their own.
Kz’kz’kz’kz’kz’vzznt-rr’rr’rr, puppenoptrid and local radio personality, addressed the crowd:
“We’re tired of the erroneous misconceptions. Let’s get the facts straight: We don’t hunt for new dolls, or currently used playthings, ever. That’s against our code. We want cast-offs. Discarded dolls. The older the better. No one is trying to mess with your kid’s Barbie and no one wants to. Can we all get along?”
Despite the generally receptive crowd, a few dissenters made their case to the press.
“This is a quiet neighborhood. I don’t need headless insects defacing my child’s toys,” said one parent who declined to be named.
(Reporting by Colin Raff, editing by Feln Oplobomp)
Jolly buddies! Please purchase a Seismochandriel™ model IV walkie-talkie at the variety store of your choice. Use a coin to pry open the Omnibabelbark® Transistor Code Key panel. Simply whisper my name into the chamber, and — and — and we can communicate technologically!!!!!!!!!!
A deluxe eyelash curler sports a luminescent gland that warns predators of its toxicity. The upside to freezing a chihuahua is that once solid, it cannot attempt to burrow into available orifices and devour your intestines. There are plants that eat magnetic crystals that leak cancer-causing elixirs that are not spiritually well. Should I have my lawn geese spayed and neutered? There are vets in my area who service ornaments, but I hear their chisels are cruelly shaped. Chapstick: a moment on a whistling dragon’s lips, then 300 years inside a ghost’s placenta. I’d like a chili cheese wurst with outstretched arms that unfolds into a melancholy palace when you’re done eating it, please. Your great-uncle may sing at the prom if he materializes as a giant with 2 heads: one of a gentleman of quality, the other a hunting squire.
Take heed! Once sufficient holiday cheer has been felt, a prodigious Yule log shall rise autonomously from the hearth to damage your internal organs and the bones of your spine, leading to severe yet minty deformities. Clad head to toe in foil and clutching a small candle, you will accidentally bake pieces of yourself into a kind of saffron bun called a Kelpidopteroid so as to mark the occasion. This nothing if not true unless you believe.